Seek (Prequel Delirious) Read online

  “Surely it did something to you?”

  “No.” I bite my lip.

  “What did you feel when you think about it?”

  “Stop. Just stop.” Tears trickle down my face. “Please stop.”

  “All right. I’m sorry, Miss. We don’t want to upset you.”

  “But you do. Every time. I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to think about this. I don’t want you to do anything with me except leave me alone.”

  “I know you want that, Miss Carrigan, but you also know that’s not in your best interest. We have to make progress somewhere.”

  I’m not sure I could ever recover. However, I do want to find out what happened to me. To us. To Ashley. For her sake.

  “Now, let’s return to the topic from before. Your vacation. What can you remember? What happened when you returned?”

  I close my eyes and picture myself as the vacation with Ashley comes to an end. Most of it is a huge blur, except for a couple of things. But each time anything comes forward, it’s blocked again. It’s like a string is constantly being pulled away from me, and I’m unable to grasp it and hold on.

  “Go back to the day you came home. The day you saw your mother again.”

  The moment he mentions her, the world around me goes dark. Blood splatters across the wall. Fur is spread on the floor. Her eyes are wide open. Death surrounds me.

  I scream.

  My eyes burst open, tears streaming down my face. I jump up from the stool, which falls to the ground with a loud bang. I walk backwards, almost tumbling over the chair, as I’m lost in the darkness. I can’t see. I can’t see. Blood covers my eyes.

  I scream so loud my lungs feel like they’re about to burst.

  “Miss Carrigan. Calm down.”

  I hear their voices. They’re everywhere.

  Miss Carrigan, welcome home.

  Miss Carrigan, sit down.

  Hello, Lillith, I see you’ve finally returned from vacation. How courteous of you to accept my invitation when I called you.

  Fear fills me to the brink, and then I lose it. My mind is empty. Everything goes black. And then there is nothing left but despair.

  Accompanying song: “And The World Was Gone” by Snow Ghosts

  Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 17th, 2013

  The gardens have always been my favorite part of this institution. That’s the only place I can hear the birds chirp and the plants rustle. The sounds put my mind at ease and lull me into a dreamlike state. I’m in emotional denial, and I know it. I refuse to go down the path of recognition and acceptance. It’s not safe for me. Even the doctors realize it could mean the end of me. The end of my sanity. The end of them, even. What I heard from the nurses is that I totally flipped out back there when they asked me about my vacation and the way it ended. That I threw my stool at the glass, shattering it, and that they had to do an emergency evacuation because I was trying to break the room down. All I remember is that I wanted to escape the dire situation I was in. All I could see were suits. Hands. Blood. Penetrating eyes haunting me. Dirty, disgusting, sweaty palms touching me. Touching her.

  And then, in the void of it all, I heard Sebastian’s voice.

  Don’t listen to them.

  Don’t look.

  Forget. Forget it all.

  I called out his name. I saw him in the shadows, behind the doctors. I screamed for him. “Sebastian!”

  Within an instant, he was gone, disappearing through the door.

  I haven’t been back to that room ever since the incident.

  I’m glad. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. The only thing I’ll ever want to remember about this place is Sebastian, who was there with me when they badgered me. He helped me get through the horrible memories and back to the real world. If there’s even such a thing as real.

  Why hasn’t Sebastian come to visit me at all lately?

  Not that there’s any use in pondering about it. I lie down next to the pond, gazing at a mirrored image of myself. My red locks curl down over my ears and touch the edge of the water, creating ripples in its wake. For some reason, I wish I had my camera with me right now. Not having it in my possession feels like a part of me is missing. There is nothing more in this world that I love more than taking pictures, seeing the world through a different set of eyes, and capturing the things people don’t really look for. Showcasing those photos at college was the height of my existence. At least, at that time.

  Now, staring at nature’s beauty is all I can do to pass time.

  I used to dream of travelling the world, shooting pictures everywhere, and selling them to magazines. Now I dream of freedom and being whisked away by love.

  Lillith.

  In the reflection of the surface, I see his face; his beautiful, slightly scruffy, angled face. Only for a second, because when I lift my head, there is no one to be seen.

  Lillith. Come with me.

  His voice is like a whisper carried by the wind, and I follow it blindly. My feet touch the pond. The coldness doesn’t faze me. I walk through until the bottom part of my dress is soaked, and then further. He calls me, he wants me, he needs me. I want to go to him and hug him. To feel his strong arms around me is the only way I can cope with this world.

  “Miss Carrigan!”

  Startled, I turn my head.

  “What in the world are you doing?” the nurse asks me. “Get out of there right now!”

  A flush appears on my cheeks. “I … I don’t know.” Of course I know, but if I tell her, they’ll only think I’ve gone more insane, and that would mean being stuck in this place for a much longer time than I can handle.

  “Your clothes are completely soaked!”

  “I’m sorry, I must’ve fallen asleep.”

  “Asleep? In the pond?” she scoffs as she helps me get out the water.

  “I sleepwalk.”

  She squints. “Since when?” The skepticism in her voice is hard to ignore.

  “A while.” I give her a tentative, but polite, smile. She shakes her head, but stops asking questions, which means I succeeded.

  The lady helps me back into the building. The other patients stare and point at me, talking to each other. “Let’s get you under a shower. You’re shaking.”

  “I’m fine, really.”

  “You’ll do as I say if you value your privileges.” She walks me to the bathroom and turns on the light. She goes to turn on the shower and then opens the window to the right to prevent the room from filling with steam. For a moment, I actually think of escaping and finding Sebastian, but then I remind myself there are guards everywhere. I’ll never make it over the fence outside.

  “I’ll tell the doctor you were sleepwalking,” the lady suddenly says.

  I lower my head, trying not to come across distracted. “Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me. I don’t believe you, but I’ll have to put something on the report.”

  “It’s the truth.”

  She rolls her eyes. “Uh-huh, whatever you say. You just go shower, Miss. I’ll see you in a bit.”

  She closes the door behind me and leaves me alone. Hot fumes fill the room with delightful steam. I close my eyes, sigh, and remind myself not to forget to breathe. Sometimes I drive myself insane with all this Sebastian stuff. But I can’t help that he’s all I think about. It’s like my mind has gone to the sole person who can protect me and clings to him like it’s the only thing that matters in my life.

  As I tug on my dress, a hand on my hip stops me in my tracks.

  “Hello, Lillith.”

  My breathing stops. His voice and hand is all I need to let go of everything.

  “Sebastian …” I whisper.

  His other hand wraps around my belly and pulls me toward him. I close my eyes and lean my head back, letting him hug me for the first time in a long time.

  “How did you get in here?”

  “Shhhh … it doesn’t matter.”

  “God, I’ve missed yo
u,” I say.

  “You shouldn’t.”

  “But I do. You’re all I want. All I can think about.”

  “It’s not good for you. Don’t the doctors tell you not to believe in fairy tales?”

  “This isn’t a story. It’s real life,” I murmur.

  He leans in close to my ear. His warm breath tingles on my skin. “Exactly.” His humming, dark voice makes me moan. “And you know this isn’t good.”

  “I don’t care. I like being bad.”

  “Oh … you don’t know how much those words turn me on, Lillith.” He grins against my ear, and I can feel his teeth. I shiver from the feeling. His fingers curl around my hips as he softly plants his lips on my neck. Lost in ecstasy, I let him kiss me everywhere. I don’t care if it’s bad, or if it’s real or not, this is what I need.

  I’ve always needed this. These months I’ve spent at the institution have made me crave human contact. Made me crave him. Every time he came to visit to check up on me and make sure I was okay, I longed for him more. At first, all we did was talk. Then the talking turned into touching. And now, this. I can’t stop. I don’t want it to. Sebastian calms me down. He’s my drug, the person I use to make myself feel better. I hope he doesn’t mind.

  His mouth leaves delicious spots on my neck. But then his teeth are bared, and he sinks them into my flesh. I gasp, the flashing pain both scary and arousing.

  “Does it frighten you?” he asks.

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s you. I trust you.”

  He bites me in a different spot. I hiss from the pain, but love it at the same time. “You shouldn’t.”

  “I know that I can, though.”

  “You don’t know me.”

  “I know enough. You saved me.”

  “That doesn’t mean a thing. I could’ve saved you just for my own pleasure. I could’ve saved you just to get you put into this place.”

  “I don’t believe it.”

  He chuckles against my skin. “I love it when you’re being naïve.”

  Grinning, I reply, “It’s intentional.”

  “Hmmm … I’m sure,” he says and continues kissing me until his teeth touch my skin. “You like this, don’t you? You want me to bite you. You want me to give you pain so you can feel again.”

  “Ooohhh …”

  Suddenly, he twists me in his arms, and I’m staring straight into piercing blue eyes that cut through my soul.

  “Answer me, Lillith. Do you want me to do this?” The look in his eyes has changed, his face darkened. Too serious. I’m not sure how to respond.

  “Yes … I think.” I swallow as he squeezes my arm tighter.

  “Not good enough. I need to know for sure that you’re in this.”

  “Yes. I want you. I want this.”

  His eyes narrow as he studies me. His hand lifts to touch my hair, and then he strokes my cheek all the way down to my chin to lift my head. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  My eyes drift down to avoid his, because I don’t want him to see my doubt. With my hand resting on his chest, I slowly pet the fabric. On the left side of his chest, I notice there is a circular brooch, containing a triangle and a strange shape in the middle. After a curious look, I notice it’s the letter G.

  “You know I won’t hold back,” he says. His words bring my eyes back to his.

  “I know.”

  “No matter what everyone else thinks of me. Of you. Of us.”

  I nod softly, leaning into his hand and closer to him. With hesitation, he cups my face and looks at me before moving closer. His mouth hovers near mine, his warm breath soothing my skin. His lips brush along mine, as I close my eyes, and he kisses me. It fills me with warmth so much that it takes my breath away. All my senses come to life as he massages my lips with his. His kisses are careful, luscious, soft. Sweet. Perfect. It’s breathtaking. He’s never kissed me before.

  His hand slips down my neck, making me shudder and bite my lip. Cupping my ass, he drags me closer to him as lust takes control, his lips moving expertly faster. My body responds to his touch by leaning into his hand, looking for more. His fingers squeeze my flesh, and I love every second of it. I want nothing more than for this man, whom I barely know, to make it all okay again.

  Suddenly, a loud bang makes me turn around. The door slams open. In panic, I shriek.

  “What’s the matter with you?” the lady says.

  “What are you doing in here?” I yell. Other patients appear behind her back and stop in their tracks. They’re watching me like I’m putting up a show.

  “Checking up on you, of course. Who were you talking to?” the lady says.

  As if she can’t see him. “… Sebastian.”

  She raises an eyebrow as I turn around and look behind me. Sebastian is gone. Gasping, I check the room, but my eyes can’t find him anywhere. Did he slip through the window?

  “Miss … there’s no one here, and you know that as well as I do.”

  “He was. Sebastian was here.”

  “Stop lying and fantasizing. Get your head out of your ass, girl,” one of the patients yells.

  I make a face, and the lady turns around to face her. “Get out of here!” She says that often, but it never helps. Patients flock to drama. Right now, I am the drama, apparently.

  “Whatever.” The girl shrugs. “I’m not in the mood for watching some fake make-out session.”

  “It’s not fake!” I yell.

  I step closer, but the lady puts her hands on her sides. “Stay back. I will not have another fight on my hands. Behave. Both of you.”

  “Sorry,” the girl says as she walks away, but behind the lady’s back she makes a gesture that insinuates I’m kissing myself. I flip her the finger.

  “Okay, that’s it. No shower for you, then.” I’m dragged out of the shower, pulled by my arm, as the door shuts behind me. I don’t care about a shower. It was worth it.

  Accompanying song: “Covenant” by Snowghosts feat. Blue Daisy

  Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 19th, 2013

  Civilization is a lie. We tell ourselves we have class, we behave according to social norms we invented—laugh when we should laugh, even when it’s not funny, pray when we should pray, even when we don’t agree, shake hands as if we actually care, tell someone we’re fine, when we truly aren’t. I used to think all of it mattered, too. I believed that if I’d dress a certain way, people would think ‘now that’s a beautiful, charming lady’. That if I didn’t ask questions and did as I was told, the world would be nice to me.

  What an incredible load of nonsense. The world is cruel. I found out firsthand.

  None of it matters.

  Not in here. Not how you look or how you act. Everyone’s crazy, anyway, so nobody’s going to judge you if your hair is messy or if your face is saggy. Clothes don’t matter. I used to be a girl who loved the colorful dresses and hats, accompanied by eye-catching jewelry and a bit of makeup. Now? Not so much. It just doesn’t matter anymore. When you have conformed to living in the midst of chaos, you realize all of it is just so unimportant. When nobody else cares, why should I? The longer I’m here, the less I care about what I look like. Or who I am. In here, there is no real need to express yourself. The only thing that matters is getting better, fixing yourself—which is exactly what I’m avoiding, as well.

  All patients ramble on and on about the progress in their treatment, like it’s some sort of achievement when you’re faster than someone else. Being in this institution reminds me of high school. Everyone wants to be the popular one—only in here, it means the more insane, the better. Women turn into bitches with the snap of a finger. It’s as if they all want to protect their own sanity and attack someone else’s, so they feel better about their own depravity. What a joke. We’re behaving like kids, and nobody gives a shit. Worst part is that I’m actively engaging them. I know I shouldn’t, but who else will protect my pride? Not the staff. They
don’t care if anyone’s being bullied. They’re just here to keep the patients in check and help them ‘improve’. So lately, I’ve resorted to defending myself instead.

  A woman in the lunchroom smirks at me while chatting with her friends. “I heard Lillith over here sucked off her imaginary boyfriend in the bathroom the other day.”

  The girls snigger and snort, pretending not to laugh. One of them circles her finger close to her temple.

  The women laugh as I stampede away from lunch, leaving my tray behind. One of the staff members grabs my arms as I try to walk out the door. It’s the same lady who wanted me to take a shower the other day.

  “Where are you going?”

  “To my room.”

  “I’m sorry, but lunch isn’t over yet. You know the rules.”

  “Screw the rules.”

  “Are you going to behave like this the entire week, Miss Carrigan?”

  “If I must.” I look the woman dead in the eye, making this a staring contest. She knows exactly what I’m talking about, and yet she denies me the right to defend my own honor. The staff knows I’m being made a fool of among other patients, but they do nothing about it. It sickens me.

  With trouble, she releases her grip on me. “Fine. If you’re so intent on alienating yourself from the group, go do it. I warned you that if you do not do your best to fit in, this will not be easy. The more you resist, the longer you struggle, the longer it’ll take to get out of here. Just so you know.” She squints at me, but I ignore her self-righteous taunt and walk past her with my head held up high.

  In here, I’m not treated like an equal. In here, I cannot decide what I do; instead, my life is governed by women who feel the need to belittle me and make me think I’m insane.

  I am not crazy. I refuse to agree with their point of view. I will not waver.

  I will get out of here, one way or the other.

  I walk through the corridors, not knowing where I’m going, but anywhere is better than here. Suddenly, I think about Ashley, and how much I miss having her by my side. She would have told them off. She was the best friend to me, and I did something … or I didn’t …. and now everything between us is ruined.